urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus pumpmeamadeus pumpmeamadeus 2009-06-06T18:27:11Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:27076 2009-06-06T18:27:11Z 2009-06-06T18:27:11Z so I went to the glens to try to get admitted they told me unless I had 2000 dollars I couldnt and would have to go to O.P.Detox and get a doctors note to get amdited to I.O.Dexton... so he basically told me to go get high until monday...which thank god my grand parents understood, I also had to get the infection in my arm lanced they shoot it up with what I call liquid fire and cut it open with a scapel and pushed all the puss out then they filled it with goss to have it heal from the inside out...yesterday was horrid...... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:26759 2009-06-05T04:54:05Z 2009-06-05T04:54:05Z i dont even wanna write this but im going to....im at home now away from my apartment of hell , my life spiraled down so fast from a month ago... lost my money, my apartement, all to substances , and now im going back to manatee glens and my life is going to feel meaningless again and im going to have to heal myself...i feel so empty and alone, I just want someone to be here right now and tell me they love me and they care and to lay here with me. im freaking out my life is shretted all because of my own foolishness, as well as a girl I let fool me into beleveing she loved me....she loved me alright for my loan ... im so torn from the inside out, i cant breath what did i do to myself. what did i become. how much do i have to lose before i learn, its looking more like I need to ened up dead to learn... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:26465 2009-05-29T21:19:00Z 2009-05-29T21:19:00Z yep so i finally got busted , i got setup.....i got possession of a controlled substance and trafficing i don't feel like writeing much more im depressed and wanna get fucked up urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:26289 2009-05-18T05:29:59Z 2009-05-18T05:29:59Z the down ward spiral i've slipped into a horrid habbit, I passed my 1st semster of college which is good and im taking summer classes, I don't know how things will turn but im just trying to look up and bite my tonuge. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:25890 2009-03-28T07:34:15Z 2009-03-28T07:34:15Z so life decides to take a 360 i got my own apartment im getting 5500 dollars in 3 weeks and couldnt be happier my house warmin party was a sucsess i was the raining champion of beer pong bitches altho i wiish more females showed they mostly had to worrk =( tomorrow is round two aand ii will continue to network friends aand broadin my non vicarious experinces and eventually run into the girl i crave so much..... once thats complete i will be complete for the rest of eternity =) cheers to all who came tonight thanks for making it a sucess johnny meig emma sexbox ant blake fatpat dean dunkin chase mike pj urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:25783 2009-03-22T05:05:29Z 2009-03-22T05:05:29Z they fucking fuck but they fucking suck.... i hate my feelings is it so much to ask for a mutual realtion, one which doesnt involve only seeing the subject for a day and disappering , some people dont believe love at first sight....some people dont believe in love in first fuck but i sure do ... im miserable fuck fuck fuck.....any_mous i wish u wernt sop anymous...;_; im down to my last poker face....clawing at my insides drowning in my pain, fryed for life..inslaved by a kind touch...fucked by the sins that are beanth my turning soul<br /><br /><br /><br />devils pandora <br /><br />swalling the consumer; peice by peice<br />inslaved by her beauty; fucked for her comfort<br />Falling deeper into her sinful body;connected<br />confused, drowning in plesure; trapt<br />finishing up what was started; you've fallen<br />she leaves as the night has passed; her shelter complete<br />doesn't need you she slept; now weep<br />she warned you once; "don't fall for me"<br />I mistakening told; I wouldn't , not me<br />I lay across my bed; strung out<br />thinking how stupid, I knew the act<br />I was a fool; she was my friend; she made it happen<br />she took off her close;turned off the light<br />she stood so brave;she use to be shy<br />each movement imporved, each movement refinded; eyes like a show room<br />Don't get close to me, don't let me speak; I don't need time, you'll be fuckin mine<br />tricked oneself; lust to love; wont be concived; not from her; she won't believe<br />I sit her afraid ; she got close to me; but once something dies you can't make it live<br />I wanted more then what she concived, I bit my tounge, shreaded my teeth<br />on the small thread of "please come back to me, they'll be no arugments, we'll always agree, we'll take it easy..."<br />Its not so bad, but look what you did, you fucked my youth then left me sin<br />But you'll stay inside my memories; trapt to a song repeating "you fucked me"<br /><br />It was clear and blue as far as i could see.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:25357 2009-03-09T00:07:22Z 2009-03-09T00:07:22Z Well I got my new car a 06 hhr metalic orange with tons of features tins, blastin radio, mods all over it leather interior its off the chain, my friend bobrick gave me a new kick ass cell phone that i just got actived... and finally got to ybor which ended up and me and my cousin not talking to eachother again hes such a fucking moocher after everything I gave to him he wouldnt fucking spend a cent on me besides my adminsion fee which I thought was 30 so he said he would get 20 of it and in the club he asked me for a 10 and I was like kayyy and then I found out it was only 20 to get it fucking christ he fucking pisses me off, i've blown at least a grand on his ass over the course of 5 years hes blown maybe 70 on me at max hes a peice of shit sometimes... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:24961 2009-02-26T06:37:32Z 2009-02-26T06:37:32Z if its you.....i want you to call me, if its you, you've answered every single question i've ever wanted to know, i'm going to find out, i hope im not totally miss reading this but we shall see by the math building just give me a time.... i have so much to thank you for and so much to beat myself up over, i miss you is the truth, i havn't forgot, and im sorry i didnt notice till it was way late but please, lets talk, if its only for one last moment in time...please. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:24643 2009-02-23T18:37:02Z 2009-02-25T07:14:33Z everyone ditched me and lied and said everyone was going the fuck home, i hate people so fucking much, I was so stoked to go, and then i couldnt find shit to do for 48 hours and got sick as hell not a pluss...sigh..but at least im okay now... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:24381 2009-02-22T01:00:09Z 2009-02-22T01:00:09Z tonights going to be great , im getting 20 dollars from my mom to go with bobrick, dale, mike, and pj its going to be crazyyy, ill post when i get back =] addiction day 25..=[ missing her day 112...='[ im going to die alone..i fucking miss her. what did i do, where did i fuck up....i just need to jump off a bridge...maybe its better there. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:24141 2009-02-11T04:57:01Z 2009-02-11T04:57:01Z I feel as if things are going extremely well for me, I feel love is coming quite soon and thing s in college are great... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:23832 2009-02-09T07:02:21Z 2009-02-09T07:02:21Z college is going well, meeting knew people and leaving the people the backstabbed me and used me behinded for a class of well civilized young adults its a good change and feels amazing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:23566 2009-01-16T07:25:01Z 2009-01-16T08:13:24Z so its 2009 , my life is looking up folks praise the lord, im chill with this new kid el from mcc maybe moving in with him, got to hang out with mackenzi finally&lt;3 and going to mcc full time, i have a purpose im changing rearanging and forming a new chris permantly, im getting the body and mind ive always dreamt of fuck that haters and bring the knowledge. and fuck gramma its my damn page nikka.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />How could you?<br />Just leave me and love him out the blue<br />Oh, what's a matter Kim?<br />Am I too loud for you?<br />Too bad bitch, your gonna finally hear me out this time<br />At first, I'm like all right<br />You wanna throw me out? That's fine!<br />But not for him to take my place, are you out you're mind?<br />This couch, this TV, this whole house is mine!<br />How could you let him sleep in our bed?<br />Look at Kim<br />Look at your husband now!<br />(No!)<br />I said look at him!<br />He ain't so hot now is he?<br />Little punk!<br />(Why are you doing this?)<br />Shut the fuck up!<br />(You're drunk! You're never going to get away at this!)<br />You think I give a fuck!<br />Come on we're going for a ride bitch<br />(No!)<br />Sit up front<br />(Well I can't just leave Haley alone, what if she wakes up?)<br />We'll be right back.....<br /><br />So long, bitch you did me so wrong<br />I don't wanna go on<br />Living in this world without you<br /><br />You really fucked me Kim<br />You really did a number on me...<br /><br /><br />;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;<br /><br />I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you<br />I'm pretending, and that's all I can do <br />The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart (I hope you hear me)<br /><br /><br />Pain, since I've lost you, I'm lost too<br />Nigga feelin' like he at the bottom like a horse shoe<br />Sorry for the trouble that I put you and your heart through<br />God knows that I'd do anything for a part two, or to<br />be prayin' for the day you come back to me, sayin' that you forgive me<br />Give me another chance, I'm needin' it like a kidney<br />I don't wanna advance, give me back her hands<br />Give me back her touch, I don't ask for much<br />but I fucked up, I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up<br />but everybody fuck up, now this other nigga lucked up<br />Tellin' me and my clique don't give a fuck<br />You were the pistol to my holster .. BANG!<br /><br />You've been hiding, never letting it show<br />Always trying, to keep it under control <br />You got it down, and your well on your way to the top (keep doin' your thing)<br />but there is something you forgot<br /><br /><br />I remember everything, I just wanna hear you sing<br />I remember the love, right after the fights<br />You can't tell me you don't remember those nights<br />and if I would cry, then you would cry twice<br />To me you are the brightest star under sunlight<br />See take away my title, take away my stripes<br />You give me back my girl and you give me back my life<br />Give me back my girl and you give me back my life<br />See this is just a nightmare, so I blink twice<br />Open up my eyes hopin' she'd be in my sight<br />I remember the time, I wish I could bring it back<br />What she mean to me, is what I mean to rap (what I mean to rap)<br /><br />You've been hiding, (y'know) never letting it show<br />Always trying <br />to keep it under control (but I know you know)<br />You got it down (I know you do)<br />and your well on your way to the top<br />(but I wish you and yours nothin' but happiness)<br /><br /><br />But I hope you haven't forgot about me up in the livin' room <br />You were cookin' dinner, I was such a sinner, but the Lord is a forgiver<br />You know they say if you pray then you can get your blessings ordered and delivered<br />I remember we would sit at home all day<br /> I called you "Babe"<br />My momma asked about you, my partners did too<br />I know your daughter would of be so amazin' like you<br />and I know you probably wish you never met me, and I just wish you never forget me<br />and let me say, please don't worry 'bout the women I have been with<br />No engagement can amount to your friendship<br /> and all I can do is dream .. DAMN!<br /><br />[Chorus]<br />I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you<br />I'm pretending, and that's all I can do<br />The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart<br /><br /><br /><br />;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;<br /><br /><br /><br />I still miss katie she was it I know it, I don't think it will change. I'm just not going to let it fucking ruin my damn life anymore... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:23405 2008-06-23T06:57:47Z 2009-01-16T07:12:42Z my girl friend has the mind of a 12 year old and is fucking retarded, 12 years olds consist of listening to there mommie, being undecided and inconsiderate, as well as has no feels and sees shit, she complains about sex and ousoubfanjafnfgnmdafmnadsknodfkngmdaflkandmfldfkngmgolkdsnmgdsklgmdfgdklmdlfk fuck alll toof this shit i try so fucking hard souhngodgnablkmdb;lkksm,bkshmsgkhslfdkghom ohbhsgfojngikndsjbknfdagfsdngadsdajnbdjfknglangm lfucking god isdnfskfndkajabndjk for no reason i am the fool asfosuiddlknmdsmvbsmjomnfdkl fuck snfsoeiufnvjxcm fim sksfd[dpfdfkadf<br /><br />gdafaggndofammklmasd;mfg,adfgbsafdgs urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:22611 2008-01-28T17:30:16Z 2009-01-16T07:14:56Z ive never been so fucking scared in my entire life...i constantly feel like shes just going to randomly break up with me whenever something goes wrong........im so depressed, its not even possable. last night id never been that sad in my entire life.....not even before,...i threw up, couldnt breath, my eyes were blood shot and my heart was cold, i had felt like a part of me died and now i have to constantly think that shes could possablely break up with me again, i don't want that, fuck im so upset, i don't know what to do now, does she love someone else, does she not want to be with me, i cant ever read her, i make her sad all the time apperently, i dont understand, i give everything for that girl, i just dont know what to do next.....she wasnt even crying, didnt sound sad at all, it made me feel like killing my self, i was so ready to run away that night and never come back........... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:22527 2008-01-12T08:05:15Z 2009-01-16T07:16:17Z well here i am again....got caught in k-mart for taking yugioh cards what the fuck was i thinking , jac was fucking insane, ill never go back ill kill myself fuck that shit, royal palm is an amazing experince i think im being to parinoid about the entire money stealing shit as long as i dont do it anymore everything should be fine, i wanna get some new friends jd seems pretty fucking chill....as for katie , i dont know where shit is going i think im falling for her a lot harder than she is for me, this is kinda a fling realtionship for both of us i guess altho, i just want to be someone shes proud of and can gloat about she doesnt even really talk bout me or show me at all in her myspace or anywhere for that matter i guess....i get sad as fuck about this shit, i dont deserve it , so person would come along and make everything better for me again, someone that actually will bendover backwards for me like i do for them, fucking get trashed with me sneak over with me.....show some affection for me....more than they do for there friends....fuck......i guess thats is , i cant belever winn and i hung out so much those days so many roxies and fucking ..... that coversation outside and the split images when i was so fucked up it was crazy night...deffently not my thing tho, fuck. i hope i pass i think i will, i think everything will be fine at work and i think ill get to orlando and find someone that really appericates for what i do and what i am........i try so hard...i really fucking do....i love her so much....i wish she would understand how many simple things she could do to fix shit, but no , she cant it makes her feel werid ...what the fuck about me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:22040 2007-09-29T18:53:29Z 2007-09-29T18:53:29Z Apparently im not good enough to be mentioned on my girl friends myspace. This entire "hidden" shit is really pissing me off hardcore and I wonder if its just an excuse. saertyaggadfdfdfhadfhahdahodijfnoisdfosno why the fuck doesn't she come to me for things but goes to others? I don't understand but its making me extremely fucking frustrated and I want to just fucking explode. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:21951 2007-09-29T04:33:37Z 2009-01-16T07:16:51Z fuck everything, fuck my feelings, fuck friendships, fuck school, fuck drugs , fuck fuck, fuck every last fucking thing on this fucking planet. Why am I working, why am I going to school, why do I fucking have so many issues, why do I constantly feel like crying, why do I hate, why do I fucking do anything anymore, my depression has grown severely... I was doing so fucking well until.............a baby, its half mine and its just .. going to be ... thrown out I cant stand thinking about it and I no she can't either. It's making me sick. It;s making me depressed on top of all the other shit that is killing me. Drugs don't even let me escape they just kill my day. I don't know what to do, I don't know if im even going to graduate I don't know...what to do with myself I keep running into walls of false hope and breaking them down to find more walls to smash my head into, I think im running and breaking down the right barriers but it just leads to more and harsher times. I've almost gaven up but im not sure if I should just drop dead and die or keep moving , the moving part is what i've tried since freshmen year till current and it seems to make me bash my head open to the point were my brain is sticking out constantly...I'm waiting on a miracle that isn't going to happen. I'm hopeless lost, and fucking alone. Waiting at a train stop for a train thats already left unknowingly. So blind. So arrogant, so jealous, so much self hate. so much....disgust...please. This one time in my life. The only thing I ask. Let Katie be okay on Monday. Shes the only thing I have left, Let things go back the way they were...let me be okay for a week again.. please. I would do anything to ensure that she was okay. Anything.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />"I don't know where this is going but its looking more and more like the same place that we started" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:21653 2007-09-13T18:21:03Z 2009-01-16T07:17:39Z About to pull the trigger =]<br /><br /><br />If you walk away I walk away<br />first tell me which road you will take<br />I don't want to risk our paths crossing somday<br />so you walk that way I'll walk this way<br /><br />and the future hangs over our heads<br />and it moves with each current event<br />until it falls all around like a cold steady rain<br />just stay in when it's lookin' this way<br /><br />and the moon's laying low in the sky<br />forcing everything metal to shine<br />and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case<br />they argue &quot;walk this way,&quot; &quot;no walk this way&quot;<br /><br /><br />I found a liquid cure<br />for my landlocked blues<br />it will pass away<br />like a slow parade<br />it's leaving but I don't know how soon<br /><br />and the world's got me dizzy again<br />you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin<br />and it only feels worse when I stay in one place<br />so I'm always pacing around or walking away<br />I keep drinking the ink from my pen<br />and I'm balancing history books up on my head<br />but it all boils down to one quoteable phrase<br />If you love something give it away<br />A good woman will pick you apart<br />a box full of suggestions for your possible heart<br />But you may be offended, and you may be afraid<br />but don't walk away, don't walk away<br /><br />But greed is a bottomless pit<br />And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss<br />And the whole world must watch the sad comic display<br />If you're still free start runnin' away<br /><br /><br />I've grown tired of holding this pose<br />I feel more like a stranger each time I come home<br />So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame<br />Sayin' let me walk away, please<br />You'll be free child once you have died<br />from the shackles of language and measurable time<br />And then we can trade places, play musical graves<br />till then walk away walk away walk away walk away<br />So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes<br />I just want to make a clean escape<br />I'm leaving but I don't know where to<br />I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to....<br /><br /><br />Thats prolly the last post ill ever make in this journal.<br /><br />I'm sorry you feel that way about me. Bye... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:21091 2007-08-25T14:48:24Z 2009-01-16T07:18:11Z Theres really only one reason I want to become skinny....as fucked up as it is, its for love.<br /><br />Thats my only motivation, I dont know why it means so much to me but Love is my happiness , theres nothing else that really brings me up I guess. I hate my body. end of story. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:20627 2007-08-09T03:58:37Z 2009-01-16T07:18:58Z I went to james house and just passed out I dont know what happen I was standing and ju st collapse I just woke up to james mom asking me a bajillion questions everythings okay now my eye was hurt and i cant beelver wTFFFF how ddi I fuckiing pass out and just WTF I was standing...felt dizzy passed out, omg woke up and holy crap I just wanted to rght this to remeber this night and im stil ltripping balls i too ka tab and got dip and cigs walked in passed out in front of everyone in my own state of being i feel like i should be home right now but ill just chill and see what happenes fuck i cant beleve tihs if my mom knew if ....fuck wtf i dont know but its crazzzzzzzzyyy shit and james is watching me type thiss??? if so hit dale? I guess not lol so im just going to keep tis and keep the night rolling along im fucked up I cant beleve all the shit thast just happened....I cant explain ...i collasped...my eye my my eye god .......im done bbbbbbafijsaoisdoijmnofidsmfoidsfoisfodsifosifsdfoisdfodisdosfod WTF urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:20435 2007-08-04T05:48:18Z 2009-01-16T07:19:39Z okay so , I dont know what to write at the moment, but im calling katie back soon, I just ..<br /><br />triping:<br />I've had my share of skies melting , friends, crazy , intense nights of lost bodies, insane feeling, fakeness, and above all life experinces<br />its been great,but im writing the because its time for me to take a break and go back into reailty , I need a job, get back together for school and have my life back in order, tripping has become a way of life<br />flowing forever going never stop partying , its great im free of memeories and such no worries but i know I have to stop now , Im happy and content were im at right now and I just wanted to take the time to write this. But the beach , friends ,parties , weeks days, have been crazy thoughts of killing people and thoughts of having crazy as nights robbing mc donalds lol, been caught and ran from cops its been fun butt I have to stop before I end up like the rest of the people serving teen court and what not, I love life at the moment, and I dont know whats happening tomarrow or the next day or hell a month from now , but i'll get there i'll be back and on my feet soon im recoverying fine and its all good now, I wish I could of wirtten this when I was in the middle of a balling trip but its very few times in then night life were I can talk to my self and think of logically tohught out things. I like writing in here as well , keeps my sanity and keeps my mind at rest, I could go on and on and I think tonight I will. But the night life has been crazy parting at..next topic <br /><br />jimbos:<br /><br />That place was crazy parties drinks weed mountians of shrooms danellia that other girl there awsome , I lovd that place it was like a heaven for kids to go to but after being busted down by the cops and having jimbo almost arrested it had to stop, I knew it was to go to be true lol ......music time.... okay so tysion , borick, pat, mudge and life life was jimbos ill never forget trippin that room of peace and amazingness everything was great it was my get away among many other peoples get aways it could of lasted forever and scout and me could of been living a false hope there (side note rocco and nick gil crazy mother fuckers lol helped me out a lot always bringing those shrooms lol) it was kind of a good thing it ended because I could of got lost there for weeks on end.<br /><br />Orlando:<br />Im getting out of this place soon , going away back to my music game heaven college and life will change greatly up there a'll be away from bullshit bradenton, but now that I think about it , its not that bad here everyone is just trying to escape just as I am, I judge them to quickly but alot of them are scum but there are a few true blue hearts among them all haha, but orland is were is at and is were im going to go and be happy in the end i'll find new love new adventures new hope and new things , new opertunites around every corner<br /><br />Myself:<br />im content, couldnt be better right at this time moment and place, ill be out of it and depressed time to time but everything will peice together I can feel it surging threw my body, everything will be fine and okay.<br /><br />attempt:<br /><br />Flow:<br /><br />Drivin night sky twisted niether;breathing<br />Bursting with flowing presance; life<br />Set a new with feelings of forever;<br />Night swinging, songs going pace changeing;<br />sandy beaches fears in front of aweing eyes;<br />tired, tied down, warn from the seas you've traveled;<br />Skies melting, days weaving; disconnected;<br />Calming, troubless, days numbered a foot;<br />Moving locations,with unmistakeable faces;<br />Btown roam'd the currents done and I am;Free..... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:19461 2007-07-06T15:01:47Z 2007-07-06T15:01:47Z goddd sinus infections blow ass, i can feel it in my back in my stomach in my head everything feels like a dream it suckss. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:19314 2007-06-13T06:40:58Z 2007-06-13T06:40:58Z My pop'n controller broke, its fuck'd something got shorted out, popn 14 coming out july ..........such a bummer.<br /><br />Been hanging out with charles lately while hes in town. And trying to go see Alex on friday. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pumpmeamadeus:19107 2007-06-13T06:38:43Z 2007-06-13T06:38:43Z Beat it on expert today<br /><br />My total play time was only like a week but I bought it 2 days ago, id been playing at a friends house and where ever else and what not so I played on and off for about a month I guess. I need a new slide card so I can start playing the hacked verison I made tho...I really wish my brother didnt fucking kill my swap magic.