Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in pumpmeamadeus' LiveJournal:

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Saturday, August 14th, 2010
5:42 am	well here we go. The brighest burning When to breathe , what to speak, What to think , what to plea. My emotions run rapid as I turn it up to 11, My heart out to all of the fallen stars ; The black holes skimmed across the way, Now its time for me to take my place, center stage Amongst the fallen Rise up to face a new way to go about my planet, and rock it core. One more time, One more time, Not for you , but for us. One more time, One more time. Drive into the brightest burning sun To conquer the remains of what is left One more time One more time Breath, your alive, Its to much Its to much, Driven back into the depths of mindless ambitions Everyone screaming for you to go back , Burn more, Burn more, when all you wish is to cool off, your innercore rots to the ground Burn more Burn more As what remains are shoved into an ever burning catalyst Soul strung across your heart, with one arm out reaching for her salvation Inner senses smashed and entangled with thoughts of her past actions She doenst under stand, she doesn't know how much you care Her inner driving senses arent acknowledging your inner most feelings What ? You thought someone could really handle your peice of shit rotting core Kid yourself , innershell Burnt more Burnt more Useless, tossed a side, Burn more burn more Now that whats left of my burning heart is exposed, did you really think she'd care? Did you really think she would except you. Burn more Burn more. Forced to drown myself in the brightest burning sun, trapt One more time One more time to repeat your deepest most inner sadness, from your core on out She'll never really be yours, and you'll have to live with it. One more time One more time Its been taken from you, while you rot from the inside of.... Your brightest burning sun. 1 Open Eye ? See The Truth..
Sunday, July 25th, 2010
1:59 am	blah My endless heart; disturbed aching conflicted with absurd thoughts; misleading Reaching out without a thought; distort wanting it so desperately for it to end; I'm alone, abandoned without a friend; I wish it were like it was before Me and you with nothing more I thought it would stay like that Even although miles apart Now I'm trying to accept, I'm in the dark You shine so radiant without me I feel your not coming back That this is the end; fact by fact days go by and I feel like that. Heart sinking without a raft. See The Truth..
Saturday, June 6th, 2009
2:24 pm	dum dum dm so I went to the glens to try to get admitted they told me unless I had 2000 dollars I couldnt and would have to go to O.P.Detox and get a doctors note to get amdited to I.O.Dexton... so he basically told me to go get high until monday...which thank god my grand parents understood, I also had to get the infection in my arm lanced they shoot it up with what I call liquid fire and cut it open with a scapel and pushed all the puss out then they filled it with goss to have it heal from the inside out...yesterday was horrid...... See The Truth..
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
9:11 pm	"you feel into a rabbit hole, covered yourself up in smoke baby tell me where'd you go for daysnday i dont even wanna write this but im going to....im at home now away from my apartment of hell , my life spiraled down so fast from a month ago... lost my money, my apartement, all to substances , and now im going back to manatee glens and my life is going to feel meaningless again and im going to have to heal myself...i feel so empty and alone, I just want someone to be here right now and tell me they love me and they care and to lay here with me. im freaking out my life is shretted all because of my own foolishness, as well as a girl I let fool me into beleveing she loved me....she loved me alright for my loan ... im so torn from the inside out, i cant breath what did i do to myself. what did i become. how much do i have to lose before i learn, its looking more like I need to ened up dead to learn... See The Truth..
Friday, May 29th, 2009
5:04 pm	soooo yep so i finally got busted , i got setup.....i got possession of a controlled substance and trafficing i don't feel like writeing much more im depressed and wanna get fucked up See The Truth..
Monday, May 18th, 2009
1:29 am	sooo the down ward spiral i've slipped into a horrid habbit, I passed my 1st semster of college which is good and im taking summer classes, I don't know how things will turn but im just trying to look up and bite my tonuge. See The Truth..
Saturday, March 28th, 2009
3:34 am	life is funny so life decides to take a 360 i got my own apartment im getting 5500 dollars in 3 weeks and couldnt be happier my house warmin party was a sucsess i was the raining champion of beer pong bitches altho i wiish more females showed they mostly had to worrk =( tomorrow is round two aand ii will continue to network friends aand broadin my non vicarious experinces and eventually run into the girl i crave so much..... once thats complete i will be complete for the rest of eternity =) cheers to all who came tonight thanks for making it a sucess johnny meig emma sexbox ant blake fatpat dean dunkin chase mike pj 1 Open Eye ? See The Truth..
Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
12:38 am	fucking slut ass bitcfhes they fucking fuck but they fucking suck.... i hate my feelings is it so much to ask for a mutual realtion, one which doesnt involve only seeing the subject for a day and disappering , some people dont believe love at first sight....some people dont believe in love in first fuck but i sure do ... im miserable fuck fuck fuck.....any_mous i wish u wernt sop anymous...;_; im down to my last poker face....clawing at my insides drowning in my pain, fryed for life..inslaved by a kind touch...fucked by the sins that are beanth my turning soul devils pandora swalling the consumer; peice by peice inslaved by her beauty; fucked for her comfort Falling deeper into her sinful body;connected confused, drowning in plesure; trapt finishing up what was started; you've fallen she leaves as the night has passed; her shelter complete doesn't need you she slept; now weep she warned you once; "don't fall for me" I mistakening told; I wouldn't , not me I lay across my bed; strung out thinking how stupid, I knew the act I was a fool; she was my friend; she made it happen she took off her close;turned off the light she stood so brave;she use to be shy each movement imporved, each movement refinded; eyes like a show room Don't get close to me, don't let me speak; I don't need time, you'll be fuckin mine tricked oneself; lust to love; wont be concived; not from her; she won't believe I sit her afraid ; she got close to me; but once something dies you can't make it live I wanted more then what she concived, I bit my tounge, shreaded my teeth on the small thread of "please come back to me, they'll be no arugments, we'll always agree, we'll take it easy..." Its not so bad, but look what you did, you fucked my youth then left me sin But you'll stay inside my memories; trapt to a song repeating "you fucked me" It was clear and blue as far as i could see.... 1 Open Eye ? See The Truth..
Sunday, March 8th, 2009
8:04 pm	fuck ya Well I got my new car a 06 hhr metalic orange with tons of features tins, blastin radio, mods all over it leather interior its off the chain, my friend bobrick gave me a new kick ass cell phone that i just got actived... and finally got to ybor which ended up and me and my cousin not talking to eachother again hes such a fucking moocher after everything I gave to him he wouldnt fucking spend a cent on me besides my adminsion fee which I thought was 30 so he said he would get 20 of it and in the club he asked me for a 10 and I was like kayyy and then I found out it was only 20 to get it fucking christ he fucking pisses me off, i've blown at least a grand on his ass over the course of 5 years hes blown maybe 70 on me at max hes a peice of shit sometimes... See The Truth..
Thursday, February 26th, 2009
1:35 am	this is ground breaking if its you.....i want you to call me, if its you, you've answered every single question i've ever wanted to know, i'm going to find out, i hope im not totally miss reading this but we shall see by the math building just give me a time.... i have so much to thank you for and so much to beat myself up over, i miss you is the truth, i havn't forgot, and im sorry i didnt notice till it was way late but please, lets talk, if its only for one last moment in time...please. See The Truth..
Monday, February 23rd, 2009
1:36 pm	soo everyone ditched me and lied and said everyone was going the fuck home, i hate people so fucking much, I was so stoked to go, and then i couldnt find shit to do for 48 hours and got sick as hell not a pluss...sigh..but at least im okay now... See The Truth..
Saturday, February 21st, 2009
6:57 pm	to ybor suckas tonights going to be great , im getting 20 dollars from my mom to go with bobrick, dale, mike, and pj its going to be crazyyy, ill post when i get back =] addiction day 25..=[ missing her day 112...='[ im going to die alone..i fucking miss her. what did i do, where did i fuck up....i just need to jump off a bridge...maybe its better there. See The Truth..
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
11:56 pm	I feel as if things are going extremely well for me, I feel love is coming quite soon and thing s in college are great... See The Truth..
Monday, February 9th, 2009
1:01 am	so college is going well, meeting knew people and leaving the people the backstabbed me and used me behinded for a class of well civilized young adults its a good change and feels amazing. See The Truth..
Friday, January 16th, 2009
1:23 am	cut; on to the next not the next script bitch , bitch the next check so its 2009 , my life is looking up folks praise the lord, im chill with this new kid el from mcc maybe moving in with him, got to hang out with mackenzi finally<3 and going to mcc full time, i have a purpose im changing rearanging and forming a new chris permantly, im getting the body and mind ive always dreamt of fuck that haters and bring the knowledge. and fuck gramma its my damn page nikka. How could you? Just leave me and love him out the blue Oh, what's a matter Kim? Am I too loud for you? Too bad bitch, your gonna finally hear me out this time At first, I'm like all right You wanna throw me out? That's fine! But not for him to take my place, are you out you're mind? This couch, this TV, this whole house is mine! How could you let him sleep in our bed? Look at Kim Look at your husband now! (No!) I said look at him! He ain't so hot now is he? Little punk! (Why are you doing this?) Shut the fuck up! (You're drunk! You're never going to get away at this!) You think I give a fuck! Come on we're going for a ride bitch (No!) Sit up front (Well I can't just leave Haley alone, what if she wakes up?) We'll be right back..... So long, bitch you did me so wrong I don't wanna go on Living in this world without you You really fucked me Kim You really did a number on me... ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you I'm pretending, and that's all I can do The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart (I hope you hear me) Pain, since I've lost you, I'm lost too Nigga feelin' like he at the bottom like a horse shoe Sorry for the trouble that I put you and your heart through God knows that I'd do anything for a part two, or to be prayin' for the day you come back to me, sayin' that you forgive me Give me another chance, I'm needin' it like a kidney I don't wanna advance, give me back her hands Give me back her touch, I don't ask for much but I fucked up, I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up but everybody fuck up, now this other nigga lucked up Tellin' me and my clique don't give a fuck You were the pistol to my holster .. BANG! You've been hiding, never letting it show Always trying, to keep it under control You got it down, and your well on your way to the top (keep doin' your thing) but there is something you forgot I remember everything, I just wanna hear you sing I remember the love, right after the fights You can't tell me you don't remember those nights and if I would cry, then you would cry twice To me you are the brightest star under sunlight See take away my title, take away my stripes You give me back my girl and you give me back my life Give me back my girl and you give me back my life See this is just a nightmare, so I blink twice Open up my eyes hopin' she'd be in my sight I remember the time, I wish I could bring it back What she mean to me, is what I mean to rap (what I mean to rap) You've been hiding, (y'know) never letting it show Always trying to keep it under control (but I know you know) You got it down (I know you do) and your well on your way to the top (but I wish you and yours nothin' but happiness) But I hope you haven't forgot about me up in the livin' room You were cookin' dinner, I was such a sinner, but the Lord is a forgiver You know they say if you pray then you can get your blessings ordered and delivered I remember we would sit at home all day I called you "Babe" My momma asked about you, my partners did too I know your daughter would of be so amazin' like you and I know you probably wish you never met me, and I just wish you never forget me and let me say, please don't worry 'bout the women I have been with No engagement can amount to your friendship and all I can do is dream .. DAMN! [Chorus] I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you I'm pretending, and that's all I can do The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; I still miss katie she was it I know it, I don't think it will change. I'm just not going to let it fucking ruin my damn life anymore... Current Mood: accomplished See The Truth..
Monday, June 23rd, 2008
2:55 am	my girl friend has the mind of a 12 year old and is fucking retarded, 12 years olds consist of listening to there mommie, being undecided and inconsiderate, as well as has no feels and sees shit, she complains about sex and ousoubfanjafnfgnmdafmnadsknodfkngmdaflkandmfldfkngmgolkdsnmgdsklgmdfgdklmdlfk fuck alll toof this shit i try so fucking hard souhngodgnablkmdb;lkksm,bkshmsgkhslfdkghom ohbhsgfojngikndsjbknfdagfsdngadsdajnbdjfknglangm lfucking god isdnfskfndkajabndjk for no reason i am the fool asfosuiddlknmdsmvbsmjomnfdkl fuck snfsoeiufnvjxcm fim sksfd[dpfdfkadf gdafaggndofammklmasd;mfg,adfgbsafdgs See The Truth..
Monday, January 28th, 2008
12:26 pm	ive never been so fucking scared in my entire life...i constantly feel like shes just going to randomly break up with me whenever something goes wrong........im so depressed, its not even possable. last night id never been that sad in my entire life.....not even before,...i threw up, couldnt breath, my eyes were blood shot and my heart was cold, i had felt like a part of me died and now i have to constantly think that shes could possablely break up with me again, i don't want that, fuck im so upset, i don't know what to do now, does she love someone else, does she not want to be with me, i cant ever read her, i make her sad all the time apperently, i dont understand, i give everything for that girl, i just dont know what to do next.....she wasnt even crying, didnt sound sad at all, it made me feel like killing my self, i was so ready to run away that night and never come back........... See The Truth..
Saturday, January 12th, 2008
2:58 am	an update wtf no way well here i am again....got caught in k-mart for taking yugioh cards what the fuck was i thinking , jac was fucking insane, ill never go back ill kill myself fuck that shit, royal palm is an amazing experince i think im being to parinoid about the entire money stealing shit as long as i dont do it anymore everything should be fine, i wanna get some new friends jd seems pretty fucking chill....as for katie , i dont know where shit is going i think im falling for her a lot harder than she is for me, this is kinda a fling realtionship for both of us i guess altho, i just want to be someone shes proud of and can gloat about she doesnt even really talk bout me or show me at all in her myspace or anywhere for that matter i guess....i get sad as fuck about this shit, i dont deserve it , so person would come along and make everything better for me again, someone that actually will bendover backwards for me like i do for them, fucking get trashed with me sneak over with me.....show some affection for me....more than they do for there friends....fuck......i guess thats is , i cant belever winn and i hung out so much those days so many roxies and fucking ..... that coversation outside and the split images when i was so fucked up it was crazy night...deffently not my thing tho, fuck. i hope i pass i think i will, i think everything will be fine at work and i think ill get to orlando and find someone that really appericates for what i do and what i am........i try so hard...i really fucking do....i love her so much....i wish she would understand how many simple things she could do to fix shit, but no , she cant it makes her feel werid ...what the fuck about me. See The Truth..
Saturday, September 29th, 2007
2:50 pm	Apparently im not good enough to be mentioned on my girl friends myspace. This entire "hidden" shit is really pissing me off hardcore and I wonder if its just an excuse. saertyaggadfdfdfhadfhahdahodijfnoisdfosno why the fuck doesn't she come to me for things but goes to others? I don't understand but its making me extremely fucking frustrated and I want to just fucking explode. See The Truth..
12:21 am	fuck everything, fuck my feelings, fuck friendships, fuck school, fuck drugs , fuck fuck, fuck every last fucking thing on this fucking planet. Why am I working, why am I going to school, why do I fucking have so many issues, why do I constantly feel like crying, why do I hate, why do I fucking do anything anymore, my depression has grown severely... I was doing so fucking well until.............a baby, its half mine and its just .. going to be ... thrown out I cant stand thinking about it and I no she can't either. It's making me sick. It;s making me depressed on top of all the other shit that is killing me. Drugs don't even let me escape they just kill my day. I don't know what to do, I don't know if im even going to graduate I don't know...what to do with myself I keep running into walls of false hope and breaking them down to find more walls to smash my head into, I think im running and breaking down the right barriers but it just leads to more and harsher times. I've almost gaven up but im not sure if I should just drop dead and die or keep moving , the moving part is what i've tried since freshmen year till current and it seems to make me bash my head open to the point were my brain is sticking out constantly...I'm waiting on a miracle that isn't going to happen. I'm hopeless lost, and fucking alone. Waiting at a train stop for a train thats already left unknowingly. So blind. So arrogant, so jealous, so much self hate. so much....disgust...please. This one time in my life. The only thing I ask. Let Katie be okay on Monday. Shes the only thing I have left, Let things go back the way they were...let me be okay for a week again.. please. I would do anything to ensure that she was okay. Anything. "I don't know where this is going but its looking more and more like the same place that we started" See The Truth..